Hello,
Although the sun is shining for once in the UK and its warm, I have had a rough day and have spent most of it crying and I am ashamed to say I have self harmed because of the depth of feeling. I want to know how many others out there are having the same day all because they got a divorce recently or a while ago and haven't quite recovered confidence in themselves.
My divorce was signed off, if you like on the 28th October 2017. It was a relief after spending two years sorting it all out and sitting stagnating in a big house waiting for the damn thing to sell so I could start afresh while my husband just walked away when our love died and shacked up with another woman as I helped my daughter through her GCSEs. It was easier for him and I do feel a shed load of resentment but I am not here to discuss blame. I want to talk about all of the emotions and fears you feel after the divorce papers are signed and everything has been shared out. It doesn't matter whether you are a woman, man, gay, transgender or whatever you choose to be I hope this helps you see you are not alone.
So why was my day bad? Well, I am one of those people who thought that I would quickly find my feet and start charging ahead in life the moment that piece of paper came through triumphantly declaring I was a free woman. Boy, was I in for a nasty shock. As if I could just switch off my emotions and the terrible overwhelming anger at him, the past and more importantly, myself and just move on.
I suppose I thought I was owed something. I had wanted to leave my husband I had known since I was seventeen back in 2007 when I just couldn't take anymore. He controlled everything, including me and I'd let him because I just didn't trust myself. He'd told me he wouldn't pay the mortgage or my daughter's school fees if I didn't stay. Frightened of having no money, job or anything else, I believed his threat and told him I wouldn't leave until my daughter finished her GCSEs so she would not be hurt and taken from the school she loved and was doing so well in. I allowed him to manipulate me. It was hell but I stuck it out and I really believed he would until he found a younger woman at work just ready to step in to my shoes and he left me alone in our five bedroomed house I had come to hate and view as a prison to pick up the pieces with my daughter and get her through her exams. We then sat their for two years with little money while he flitted around on holidays with this woman still managing to pay the mortgage and house bills. I had to get an overdraft at the bank to help my daughter and I. We couldn't go on holiday or do anything.
I wanted to forget it all and come to terms with being in my small but lovely rented flat with a nice bank balance after the sale of the house and plans for the future yet all I have been able to focus on is all that I have lost as a result of the divorce and the bad feeling between us before hand. Today it was sunny and warm and I couldn't sit out in garden and soak up the sun, have a barbecue or play with the dog. It sounds pathetic but I can't help feeling betrayed. I stayed and did the right thing to help my daughter and to make sure he came to terms with our marriage ending so he and my child wouldn't be hurt as much. I never thought about me or the illness I was having to come to terms with that was being made a lot worse because of staying. Now I am angry at myself and it is holding me back in the past.
I keep listing what I lost because of the divorce and the illness it made worse. Lots of my spiritual friends believe in gratitude lists. I don't right now. I wrote one to spitefully thank for what had been stolen or in stronger terms, raped from me. Here is some of it below:-
My dog who know lives with my ex mother-in-law miles away and I rarely see,
My health which affects me everyday,
My own home,
My car which my medical condition prevented me from driving and which had to be sold as per the terms of the divorce and which I can no longer use to help retrieve shopping etc,
My security,
My husband,
My family who I fell out with during the divorce and more.
People lose so much more in their lives and I want the whingeing to stop. I try to look at what I have gained, money, the right to do what I want even though that has been hard convincing myself of because I am used to being controlled especially where money is concerned and I can have what I want just like that Kelly Clarkson song talks about. Yet I am still pissed off.
I am well out of my comfort zone here being in control and because of strong anxiety for the future and keeping myself a float with money when I can't work for anyone else, I have had to take baby steps. I have started one company and will be doing another but I am still afraid. Will I be able to do it and become successful at looking after myself? Will this torture from the past ever stop hurting me or am I doomed to sit in this limbo between the past and the future fighting to control the depression, anxiety and rage at the injustice of it all.
What is your experience? How are you coping?
Sara
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